Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Fears Recognized
Its been a long time since I have gotten on here. Needless to say, I lost track of my motivation and goals because life knocked the wind out of me for awhile. That's not an excuse, rather a statement of fact. Finally, I am back to where I need to be in the straight and narrow focus that I had before I fell. This time, I am taking it slower and really evaluating my inner most self. I am also giving myself physical goals that mean that I have to work hard to be able to accomplish them. (Along with fun rewards for reaching said goals).
That all being said, I feel as if I should go into what I have come to realize about myself in several ways. Digging deep into yourself is scary. It reveals much more than you ever realize. Often your fears and insecurities surface. At that point there is no turning back. You must face them or they will eat you alive. I have come to understand that in order for this to truly work for me and anyone else, it means you have to find the root of why you have let this happen to yourself. Without addressing the root of the problem the weight loss is truly only skin deep. Not only will you not succeed fully, but you will yo-yo back and forth from bad habits to good habits and back again with no sturdy foundation to keep you grounded. I feel the need to write out and share with whomever (if anybody ever reads this) wants to know.
This is not an easy thing to realize, but all my life I have been told by my parents that I am very difficult person to love. (that sounds bad) In essence, what they meant was that because I am headstrong, independent and smart that guys don't generally go for girls like that. They need someone that will need them all the time. That is something I can't bring myself to do. I have a few times in life and it has always backfired. So for self preservation I don't rely on people and I definitely don't rely on guys to make me happy. I feel as though I put this weight on at an early age because it was a shield from my natural intensity. If I was or am rejected by someone I am interested in, I can subconsciously blame it on my weight instead of my character flaws. I am so afraid that if I lose the weight and remain alone that my parents will be right... I am difficult to love and I won't have anything to blame but myself. I don't like living with the thought of being unlovable because I am being me. Its easier to live with the thought of being unlovable because society calls obesity ugly.
The other side to that is being afraid that suddenly I would get attention from men after losing the weight and resenting them and myself for the fact that they couldn't or wouldn't see me before.
So overall, the fear is that I am not enough.
This is very emotional and a tough thing to face, but I think I have conquered the first step...understanding me and why I let myself turn into this. This is not going to be solved overnight or anytime soon, but I do believe that knowing the face of my demon is the best way to scare the shit of that demon and win. This is a journey. It has its ups. It has its downs. But if I am strong enough to climb the mountains inside myself and kiss fear on the mouth, I can physically knock down similar barriers.
Its go time.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Just For Giggles
“Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!” ― Roald Dahl
“The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you've got to have a what-the-hell attitude.”
― Julia Child
― Julia Child
“You can't just eat good food. You've got to talk about it too. And you've got to talk about it to somebody who understands that kind of food.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, Jailbird
Foods of Convience Vs. Foods of Preparation
First, I want to shout it from the rooftops... I have lost 20 pounds an 9.5 inches all over my body total!!! Okay, onto what I wrote while at work, to fight boredom and be productive while doing calf raises at my desk.
This weekend I tried using recipes for the first time, to make hummus, granola bars and turkey burgers. What I got was...frustrated and a kitchen disaster. I've always been a "Do it yourself/experimental" type of girl. However, since I haven't been healthy, I figured following a recipe may, in fact, be helpful in creating foods the correct way. Thinking about it though, I've decided I've always had the basic essentials to making healthy foods, I've just chose to ignore them...Until now. I'm sure I am still doing a few things wrong as I stumble through this, but the challenge and satisfaction come in when I am able to think of substitutes for the unhealthy additions to food.
A few people have told me to write recipes for the yummy, good-for-you treats I have come up with, but honestly, I don't have much method to my madness. Still I'm not quite sure how to share recipes so maybe I should share the parts of the equation I know and have you add them up to create your own creative answer...guide not direct. Recipes for me are "more like guidelines really," right?! :) I feel that the freedom to experiment and create happy accidents may create a better, more sensual relationship with our food.
Food should not fill an emotional void (like it has for me for more than half my life), but in the same breath, I dare say, it shouldn't be bland, tasteless and unenjoyable...cardboard. Food was put on this earth as first a way to sustain life, but also as something to enjoy. If food was only meant for survival and nothing more, it wouldn't have so many different flavors, textures and varieties...It would all taste like sawdust.
Imagine yourself as a child again. Taste your food for the first time. Decide if you like it, hate it or don't really care for it. As adults we have been trained to appreciate convienence over quality. Our fast paced lives dictate our taste buds. Think about what tastes you have been trained to prefer... For example: Salt, Sugar, Grease, Fried, White Flours, Canned, Heat Lamped, Butter, Artificial Sweeteners, Corn Syrup, Fat and more.
All of these detrimental "flavors" cause addiction and cravings. So when you take those flavors and replace them with fresh, healthy, non-processed, whole foods our thinking tends to lead to words like; boring, unflavorful, non-filling. Where I won't deny that that CAN be the case, we need to try and in essence retrain our bodies to conquer the cravings of our junk food.
I will be the first to admit, that it is easier said than done. But if we let our taste buds expand, as we do as unbiased children, we can be drawn to these fresh foods of preparation.
I know it has been especially challenging for me because I'm lazy. I don't want to prepare my food, I want my food ready when I'm hungry. In the past month and a half, I have created a rule of thumb for myself. After grocery shopping, I immediately make my fresh ingredients more accessible. I peel, wash, cut and store these foods so they are on-the-go ready. I also make a healthy dip (usually salsa or hummus) to go with any of my snacks or meals. Preparing my food to be convenient makes the need for foods of convience and lack of preparation way less appealing.
I am not in the habit of meal planning (it works for some, but not me. All the power to you! I have issues with authority). Do what works for you.
I have also learned that salt and butter are not an essential seasoning. I am very excited to learn more about different spices and using the foods' natural flavors to compliment each other. All in all, recipes are lost on me, but learning to cook and taste and experience food has been a fun and ever-changing challenge.
I love food! I will always love food! However, I will not respect food as a force that has the power to rule me if I let it. I choose to take control and prepare for the unexpected.
One of my favorite things to make is salsa:
Add the ingredients into a fine mixer.
Tomatoes (5 or 6)
Bell Pepper (1 large)
Onions (don't be afraid of them...you need the flavor)
Jalapeno (a little goes a long way)
Garlic (to taste)
Cilantro (a whole bushell)
Plum (1)
Peach (1)
It will be dark green and look sort of nasty, but it tastes really good.
If it makes too much, put some in the freezer. Fresh means no preservatives so, it will go bad faster. Enjoy!!
This weekend I tried using recipes for the first time, to make hummus, granola bars and turkey burgers. What I got was...frustrated and a kitchen disaster. I've always been a "Do it yourself/experimental" type of girl. However, since I haven't been healthy, I figured following a recipe may, in fact, be helpful in creating foods the correct way. Thinking about it though, I've decided I've always had the basic essentials to making healthy foods, I've just chose to ignore them...Until now. I'm sure I am still doing a few things wrong as I stumble through this, but the challenge and satisfaction come in when I am able to think of substitutes for the unhealthy additions to food.
A few people have told me to write recipes for the yummy, good-for-you treats I have come up with, but honestly, I don't have much method to my madness. Still I'm not quite sure how to share recipes so maybe I should share the parts of the equation I know and have you add them up to create your own creative answer...guide not direct. Recipes for me are "more like guidelines really," right?! :) I feel that the freedom to experiment and create happy accidents may create a better, more sensual relationship with our food.
Food should not fill an emotional void (like it has for me for more than half my life), but in the same breath, I dare say, it shouldn't be bland, tasteless and unenjoyable...cardboard. Food was put on this earth as first a way to sustain life, but also as something to enjoy. If food was only meant for survival and nothing more, it wouldn't have so many different flavors, textures and varieties...It would all taste like sawdust.
Imagine yourself as a child again. Taste your food for the first time. Decide if you like it, hate it or don't really care for it. As adults we have been trained to appreciate convienence over quality. Our fast paced lives dictate our taste buds. Think about what tastes you have been trained to prefer... For example: Salt, Sugar, Grease, Fried, White Flours, Canned, Heat Lamped, Butter, Artificial Sweeteners, Corn Syrup, Fat and more.
All of these detrimental "flavors" cause addiction and cravings. So when you take those flavors and replace them with fresh, healthy, non-processed, whole foods our thinking tends to lead to words like; boring, unflavorful, non-filling. Where I won't deny that that CAN be the case, we need to try and in essence retrain our bodies to conquer the cravings of our junk food.
I will be the first to admit, that it is easier said than done. But if we let our taste buds expand, as we do as unbiased children, we can be drawn to these fresh foods of preparation.
I know it has been especially challenging for me because I'm lazy. I don't want to prepare my food, I want my food ready when I'm hungry. In the past month and a half, I have created a rule of thumb for myself. After grocery shopping, I immediately make my fresh ingredients more accessible. I peel, wash, cut and store these foods so they are on-the-go ready. I also make a healthy dip (usually salsa or hummus) to go with any of my snacks or meals. Preparing my food to be convenient makes the need for foods of convience and lack of preparation way less appealing.
I am not in the habit of meal planning (it works for some, but not me. All the power to you! I have issues with authority). Do what works for you.
I have also learned that salt and butter are not an essential seasoning. I am very excited to learn more about different spices and using the foods' natural flavors to compliment each other. All in all, recipes are lost on me, but learning to cook and taste and experience food has been a fun and ever-changing challenge.
I love food! I will always love food! However, I will not respect food as a force that has the power to rule me if I let it. I choose to take control and prepare for the unexpected.
One of my favorite things to make is salsa:
Add the ingredients into a fine mixer.
Tomatoes (5 or 6)
Bell Pepper (1 large)
Onions (don't be afraid of them...you need the flavor)
Jalapeno (a little goes a long way)
Garlic (to taste)
Cilantro (a whole bushell)
Plum (1)
Peach (1)
It will be dark green and look sort of nasty, but it tastes really good.
If it makes too much, put some in the freezer. Fresh means no preservatives so, it will go bad faster. Enjoy!!
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Ten Commandments
My Ten Commandments
1) Thou shalt drink ungodly (is this sacrilegious) amounts of water.
2) Thou shalt push thyself a little bit further every day.
3) Thou shalt not rely on others, but on thyself
4) Thou shalt be accountable.
5) Thou shalt love thy enemy (a.k.a. my fat cells) and give them dignity into passing away.
6)Thou shalt eat smaller portions
7) Thou shalt try new things and switch it up.
8) Thou shalt not envy (stole it, still true)
9) Thou shalt limit sodium and sugar intake.
And last but definitely NOT least...
10) Thou shalt love thy neighbor as you love thy self. (okay, I stole that one too, but its definitely very important)
1) Thou shalt drink ungodly (is this sacrilegious) amounts of water.
2) Thou shalt push thyself a little bit further every day.
3) Thou shalt not rely on others, but on thyself
4) Thou shalt be accountable.
5) Thou shalt love thy enemy (a.k.a. my fat cells) and give them dignity into passing away.
6)Thou shalt eat smaller portions
7) Thou shalt try new things and switch it up.
8) Thou shalt not envy (stole it, still true)
9) Thou shalt limit sodium and sugar intake.
And last but definitely NOT least...
10) Thou shalt love thy neighbor as you love thy self. (okay, I stole that one too, but its definitely very important)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Twenty-six
I can't see very far past my nose during this journey. That's not to say that my nose is in the air, rather I am choosing to look at the small sections. Not the big picture. The big picture is far too overwhelming and downright intimidating. Each step will add up and that is all I feel I need to focus on. Being able to focus on now also helps me learn to love the little things that change and have changed. For example: Everyday I jog a little bit more and it becomes easier to get in control of my breathing and it happens much faster now. Or I can tie my shoes and paint my toenails without having to hold my breath for long periods of time. And when I come up from doing that I don't see stars. I can't wait for other things to come easier!
So because I can only look a short distance ahead, my goal is to lose 8 pounds by my 26th birthday on August 16, 2012. If I get down exactly 8 pounds, I will have lost my age in weight...26!!! If more comes off, believe you me, I won't complain, but 8 pounds is what I am going to focus on.
I know this goal is more than achievable. My creativity is really going to have to come into play. I'm going to have to push myself just a little bit more everyday, try new exercizes, monitor my food intake, keep drinking lots of water and get plenty of good rest.
That negative voice in my head has proven to be a liar. The "I can't" has been beaten to a pulp. The "I will! I can! I did!" is gaining strength along with my body everyday. Facing my fears and "kissing fear on the mouth" has really been one of the biggest parts to conquer. I'm not saying I'm there yet and that there won't be times that that voice escapes from its prison. I am saying that I don't take kindly to bullies (that includes real life bullies and those in my head) and I won't let my fear defeat me. I've always been told the best way to get rid of a bully is to approach it directly. I intend to.
My question is...What scares you?
So because I can only look a short distance ahead, my goal is to lose 8 pounds by my 26th birthday on August 16, 2012. If I get down exactly 8 pounds, I will have lost my age in weight...26!!! If more comes off, believe you me, I won't complain, but 8 pounds is what I am going to focus on.
I know this goal is more than achievable. My creativity is really going to have to come into play. I'm going to have to push myself just a little bit more everyday, try new exercizes, monitor my food intake, keep drinking lots of water and get plenty of good rest.
That negative voice in my head has proven to be a liar. The "I can't" has been beaten to a pulp. The "I will! I can! I did!" is gaining strength along with my body everyday. Facing my fears and "kissing fear on the mouth" has really been one of the biggest parts to conquer. I'm not saying I'm there yet and that there won't be times that that voice escapes from its prison. I am saying that I don't take kindly to bullies (that includes real life bullies and those in my head) and I won't let my fear defeat me. I've always been told the best way to get rid of a bully is to approach it directly. I intend to.
My question is...What scares you?
Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.
Karl Augustus Menninger
Karl Augustus Menninger
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
Friday the 13th
My first goal was to loose at least 10 pounds by Friday, July 13, 2012. As a reward to myself, I would get a new tattoo. This tattoo would have several meanings to me. The tattoo is the constellation ORION. The first obviously being that I reached my goal (when in fact, I exceeded it by almost double). The other reason is its significance in my family. Since I can remember, my dad has always had an instant connection to that set of stars. Referring to them as his friend. Every autumn when they come out its like a breath of fresh air for him. When disscussing my plans to get this tattoo, he told me a story. When he was younger, the night sky was a comfort to him. Orion, specifically made him feel at home and right with the world. During the move he and my mom did from Alabama to Florida my dad became overwhelmed. When he finally got a chance to just settle down for a little bit he looked to the sky for reassurance. Orion was not where he left him...he had moved. With high levels of exhaustion and too much change he become very emotional. Not only had his home changed, his friend had changed. It was almost too much to bear. He broke down into sobs. After awhile he got used to it and Orion again became a comforter to him. 
I knew my dad's connection and through his connection I formed my own. While in Germany, I looked into the sky one night on the way home from community choir. I was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. I was homesick. I was really far from home. The first thing I saw in that big beautiful night sky was my friend...Orion. Right then, I knew, I was okay. I wasn't truly that far. We shared the same sky. Since that night I sought him out when things were just hard.
Even though, I am back home, I still search the night sky for him. Home is never too far away. And now, I can look down and be reminded of that all the time.
Compliments of James Withee at Modern Art Tattoo
 |
| Virgin skin |
 |
| Before Stars |
 |
| After stars |
Convinced
 |
| In the Fall of 2012 |
Alright. Alright. Alright! I've been convinced. I have decided to start writing/documenting my weight loss journey in a very real way. Not just in "status updates" on Facebook anymore. On this blog, I will be writing on this when I can. I will share my fears, excitements, recipes, goals and more.
Okay, so those of you that don't know me...here is the background. My name is Ruth. I am a soon-to-be 26 year old woman who is morbidly obese. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Poundage would be dropped and poundage would be added plus several more for "good measure." I struggled with self image, Hypothyroidism and plantar fasciitis, just to name a few.
It wasn't until after coming back from Germany (a year after graduating high school (2005)) that I really decided to love myself no matter what size I was. During the course of that year I lost 55 pounds. While that was an amazing accomplishment, it was not for the right reasons. It wasn't for me. I felt obligated and pressured into it. When I returned home, I became very judgemental of larger people (including my mother) and after that I realized I hated that and I hated being that person. My mom, God bless her, is the most wonderful, patient, loving person I know. It was not okay to look down on her.
So, unconsciously I reverted back to my old ways so that I could re-fit back into my life at home. Over the course of the past 6 years I have gained massive amounts of weight. Here comes one of the scariest parts for me...I'm choosing to be very vulnerable and write how much I weighed as of June 6,2012... 316 pounds. That number is a number I NEVER want to see again! My stomach is in knots thinking of anybody reading this. In the course of 6 years, I gained 137 pounds...
Instead of letting that number rule me, instead of letting that number grow any further, I took action...IMMEDIATELY! I made a plan.
First, I was going to cut out all sodas and juices and replacing it with water, water with lemon, tea, and sometimes coffee. Second, I was going to start walking and adding small workouts as my endurance grows. Third, I was going to cut my portions of food down. And fourth, I was going to eat healthier. I decided that for me to do this, it couldn't be a crash diet, it couldn't be a diet in general because I would start to feel deprived and I would fail and I couldn't let it take over my thinking.
With the plan forming, I also created a mindset. And this is my mindset: I will not make ANYONE my project. I am doing this for me and nobody else. I cannot and will not push anybody to do this with me. It is for the individual to decide, IF they ever decide to. I GET and am privileged to love them no matter what, for they have always loved me no matter what. I am beautiful. I am strong, stronger than I ever gave myself credit for being.
I am happy to report that since June 6, 2012, I have lost 18 pounds!!! :) (weighed on July 12, 2012)
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| After losing the first 16 lbs |
Through support, encouragement, pushing myself a little bit harder everyday, being accountable and experimenting with new foods/recipes/exercises and more I have started a journey that will change me for life. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people around me that love me and do support this journey. I have already learned so much about myself and have had several epiphanies.
And though I am happy and proud of myself, I know that its a journey and journeys notoriously have bumps along the way. I won't let them take me down for good. When I fall, I will get back up, dust myself off and move forward.
I thank you all for your continued support! I love you and thank God for you everyday!
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway
― Ernest Hemingway
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