Fears Recognized

Its been a long time since I have gotten on here.  Needless to say, I lost track of my motivation and goals because life knocked the wind out of me for awhile.  That's not an excuse, rather a statement of fact.  Finally, I am back to where I need to be in the straight and narrow focus that I had before I fell.  This time, I am taking it slower and really evaluating my inner most self.  I am also giving myself physical goals that mean that I have to work hard to be able to accomplish them. (Along with fun rewards for reaching said goals). 

That all being said, I feel as if I should go into what I have come to realize about myself in several ways. Digging deep into yourself is scary. It reveals much more than you ever realize. Often your fears and insecurities surface. At that point there is no turning back. You must face them or they will eat you alive.  I have come to understand that in order for this to truly work for me and anyone else, it means you have to find the root of why you have let this happen to yourself. Without addressing the root of the problem the weight loss is truly only skin deep. Not only will you not succeed fully, but you will yo-yo back and forth from bad habits to good habits and back again with no sturdy foundation to keep you grounded.  I feel the need to write out and share with whomever (if anybody ever reads this) wants to know.

This is not an easy thing to realize, but all my life I have been told by my parents that I am very difficult person to love. (that sounds bad)  In essence, what they meant was that because I am headstrong, independent and smart that guys don't generally go for girls like that.  They need someone that will need them all the time.  That is something I can't bring myself to do. I have a few times in life and it has always backfired.  So for self preservation I don't rely on people and I definitely don't rely on guys to make me happy. I feel as though I put this weight on at an early age because it was a shield from my natural intensity.  If I was or am rejected by someone I am interested in, I can subconsciously blame it on my weight instead of my character flaws.  I am so afraid that if I lose the weight and remain alone that my parents will be right... I am difficult to love and I won't have anything to blame but myself.  I don't like living with the thought of being unlovable because I am being me.  Its easier to live with the thought of being unlovable because society calls obesity ugly.

The other side to that is being afraid that suddenly I would get attention from men after losing the weight and resenting them and myself for the fact that they couldn't or wouldn't see me before. 

So overall, the fear is that I am not enough. 

This is very emotional and a tough thing to face, but I think I have conquered the first step...understanding me and why I let myself turn into this. This is not going to be solved overnight or anytime soon, but I do believe that knowing the face of my demon is the best way to scare the shit of that demon and win.  This is a journey.  It has its ups.  It has its downs.  But if I am strong enough to climb the mountains inside myself and kiss fear on the mouth, I can physically knock down similar barriers. 

Its go time.